Friday, May 16, 2014

busy and lonely

I had already pressed snooze twice. When I opened my eyes, I could see the sky outside my window just starting to turn from deep dark blue to a lighter shade. The sun arrives so early these days, when all I want to do is sleep in. And the weather has been decisive this week: clear, hot, dry. But I was struggling through my early morning fog, trying to choose between another 45 minutes of sleep or getting up to run, as I'd planned.

Running won, because I knew either way I'd feel tired the rest of the day. I might as well feel tired with some calories burned and some time outside before it gets too hot. Still lying down, I pulled my phone from my nightstand and checked my email. Most of it was overnight junk. But one was from my friend who's getting married at the end of next month. I was copied on an email about sound equipment because apparently I'm "in charge of the soiree, sort of" (her words). How did I go from being the food contact to "sort of" coordinating the whole thing? I wondered. I thought of the wedding that I'm helping to coordinate just seven days after this one, of the bridal showers and travel and other things happening in the weeks leading up to these two weddings, of how tired I felt in that moment and how much more tired all these plans were making me. I put my phone down, but my head back down and my pillow and thought, "I am busy and lonely."

Don't be too concerned. The lonely partly is about figuring out this rhythm of living alone. Maybe that's what this is all about. Spending time with people now requires scheduling, and often driving, and often doing something. But really, I would say I felt some measure of this tension even before I moved into my own place. It's easy for me to place an emphasis on doing, because I like to get things done. And I like to do things for people (I think it's my way of showing love). And though I love aspects of living alone - getting to choose when and for how long I will be by myself, cleaning on my own schedule, cooking what I feel like eating for myself - sometimes I want a shoulder to lean against, instead of a pillow that I need to fluff to the right shape, while I watch my tv show on netflix. Just someone to be with.

I didn't linger too long in my thoughts. I needed to get this run done. I got out of bed, rustled through clean laundry to find my shorts, shirt and bra, and pulled my hair into a quick pony tail. Outside, the air was cooler than I'd expected. I ran up my block, made a few turns and headed up the hill toward Krystina's new house to try out the route I'd planned for us to run together, once she's ready to start running again. The climb to her house is long, nearly a mile up hill. But worth it to have some company, someone to enjoy the early morning light with.

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