Friday, May 23, 2014

i don't always need words

A few years ago I was seeing a therapist. To be honest, I didn't like her very much and I never felt like we connected. But as with most things that last longer than they should, I just didn't know how to end it. One thing I do remember is this: During my last session, she pulled out some paper and markers and crayons and told me to draw. The blank paper intimidated me and I suddenly felt nervous and self-conscious. Words I could do, words could be organized and made sense of. Free form drawing was scary. But I went with it, and started to see stars and a sky hanging over green grass. Why did you draw that? And I shrugged and said, I guess because I really love to look at the stars.

Tonight I'm in the desert. As my friends settled into our condo, and as the sun was putting itself to sleep behind the tall mountain, I walked alone to the pool. I swam a few laps, then noticed the hot tub. And even though the rules clearly stated that you not go in alone, I did. What was I supposed to do? It got dark enough to see the stars that are always there, waiting to be seen. After I was warmed up, I tipped the back of a lounge chair down flat and laid on my back to count them. The warm, dry desert air felt cool on my warm, wet skin. Palms from the palm trees rustled in the soft breeze. I remembered that last day in therapy, how relieved I felt to know something about myself (the stars!) and to know I don't always need words.

No comments:

Post a Comment