Thursday, October 13, 2016

i will try to be myself

After more than thirty years of doing something, you'd think I'd have it down by now. But being myself isn't that easy. I'm always trying to be someone else. Take this week, for example. I came into it after a weekend away and Big Things on the near horizon, which meant I had a lot to get done. I blocked out all social activity after work and decided I'd hunker down and do it. Emails, texts, decisions, tasks. Cross them off the list and move on to the next. I was channeling my Type A sistas, one in particular who doesn't stop until it's all done. I always thought I was type A until I met her. Now I realize I'm more like type F or J or M. But this week, I wanted to be her and get it all done and motivate others to get their stuff done and be amazing.

Two nights of that and it caught up with me. Last night I plunked myself down at a coffee shop to keep working on Big Things and found myself leaning my head against the wall next to me, not sure if I had the will to make one more decision.

What I realized is that I was plowing through things without giving my heart a chance to catch up. This friend, these other friends, who can function fast and furious have different heart rhythms that, though I don't understand, I respect. But I am not them. For me, decisions are best made after spending some time in my head. My best energy comes when my heart has time to grow its enthusiasm and love for a thing. And after that, I often need to share and process and have others agree with or affirm where I'm headed.

So here is what I'm going to do tonight: send one or two more texts to make sure these Big Things are on track, then eat my dinner, light a candle, and listen carefully for what's next instead of looking at my list. I will try to be myself.

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